At Liberty

Does anyone realize life as they live it, every, every minute?
--Thornton Wilder, "Our Town"


Week 96: New York, NY

And so, I am back where I started. Next Monday, on my 44th birthday, I can celebrate the two year anniversary of the offer to do "Spamalot," and rejoice that I had such an incredible journey with the show. I wish I had words to express the extraordinary and transformative experience that this has been for me. I guess my blog, which chronicles the whole thing, must speak to that. Our final shows were triumphant, celebratory. The very last show was inspirational. Each and every member of the company gave their all; a full 100% performance. The energy as the company performed the "Camelot" number was so enthusiastic and so high as to take one's breath away. I felt, and feel, so proud to be a member of that wonderful company. At curtain call on our final night, John O'Hurley came out for his bow with his beautiful little boy, Will, in tow. If I wasn't already choked up, that pretty much did me in. I cried and sang "Bright Side" and drank in the applause and energy of the ecstatic audience while the confetti fluttered down upon us all like a benediction. Truly, it was one of the most joyous moments of my career, and I felt such a sense of accomplishment. If we can just engage, fully, in the beautiful moments of our lives, big and small, we can go to our graves saying that we indeed lived.

We had our final party together at a local restaurant in Costa Mesa and a good time was had by all. Richard Chamberlain, that kind and gentle man, drove down from LA to spend our final night with us. People dressed up in all their finery and enjoyed a last drink together. It was a bittersweet occasion, but all of us have shared a moment like that, because all of us are in the theatre and know that our glories are transitory and all good things must end sometime. I can honestly say that with one exceptional circumstance, I finished the tour feeling very proud of all that I had accomplished, and secure in the common respect and appreciation that I had come to share with my coworkers. The exception involved a misunderstanding between me and two of my fellow actors, and I can only say that what seemed like a terribly negative circumstance proved to be a blessing. You see, friends, while we all adopt each other as family, for support and a sense of security as we travel and work together, the truth is that real friendship is not dependent on a shared job or a lucrative and fun-filled tour. True friendship is about acceptance, unconditional love, and forgiveness. To have discovered that none of these qualities ever existed between me and these particular people I mentioned is not a cause for mourning, but rather, it is an opportunity to reaffirm my own values and ideals and a chance to understand the truth of my experience. One sour note in the midst of this celebration of life and creativity did nothing to diminish my pride and gratitude for all that "Spamalot" brought to my life. While Spam may be a cheap substitute for more sophisticated meats, "Spamily" has proven to be, in some ways, a cheap substitute for family. But there are people I will take with me and cherish as friends for years to come.

And so, with rosy memories intact, and rose colored glasses cast off, I face the next chapter of my life and career. "Spamalot" was such a big forward step in my work as an actor that it is somewhat scary to stand here at the precipice and wonder what might be next for me. All I can do is continue to believe in my talent, to strive to be excellent at what I do and to bring joy and happiness with it to as many people as possible; to have faith that the work will come and that my life will continue to deepen and expand. My agent is hard at work sending off my resume for various jobs, and I will strut my stuff at auditions and offer myself up for that next great opportunity. Such is the life of an actor. But on a personal level, I will continue to challenge myself to be more than I am while learning to accept, forgive and embrace all that I am. We can only, finally, do our best. We stumble, we fall, we get back up again; sometimes we rise to great heights and it is in those moments that we are most humbled by the incredible gift we have been given--to do our best, and to share it with others. I thank all of you who have followed my journey on this tour, for your unwavering positivity, support and enthusiasm. They have been a great strength to me, for which I am eternally grateful. No doubt, at some time in the near future, I will continue to write. As soon as I have embarked on my next creative journey. For now, friends, stay in touch, embrace those you love, look for the beauty wherever you go, and always, look on the bright side of life.

Off comes the make up
Off comes the clown's disguise
The curtain's fallin'
The music softly dies.

But I hope you're smilin'
As you're filin' out the door
As they say in this biz
That's all there is... there isn't anymore.

We've shared a moment
And as the moment ends
I've got a funny feelin'
We're parting now as friends.

Your cheers and laughter will linger after
They've torn down these dusty walls
If I had this to do again
And the evening were new again
I would spend it with you again
But now the curtain falls.

Your cheers and laughter will linger after
They've torn down these dusty walls
People say I was made for this
Nothin' else would I trade for this
And just think I get paid for this...

"Goodnight ladies and gentlemen and God love you, thank you."


--"The Curtain Falls," Sol Weinstein (written for Bobby Darin)