Crossroads

Week 87: Los Angeles, CA

Once again, I come to my computer without a clue what to write. This isn't really like me, but it has been something of a quiet, introspective week. I have become very fond of my now familiar routine here in L.A., and have not diverted from it much at all. I get up, make a smoothie, hit the gym or a yoga class, run errands, take care of the odd bit of business, make some dinner, and drive downtown for the show. My day off this week was blissfully serene. A close friend from grad school, who is renting a little bungalow in Malibu, went away for a few days and left her key under the mat for me. The secluded place is tucked away amongst lush tropical plants on a stepped hill rising just above the beach. The shuttered windows open out to a panoramic view of the Pacific, and the steady roar of the surf, moving in and out, like breathing, fills the otherwise silent little space. I bought a bottle of wine, some fresh peaches, and a few other odds and ends to nibble on, and spent the day in this hideaway, reading, contemplating, napping, walking the beach, soaking up the sun, and just being quiet. It was a welcome retreat, and an opportunity to survey the horizon, both literally and figuratively.

Life is full of crossroads. And for the actor, this feeling of transition always accompanies the ending of a project. What will my next job be? When will it come? What do I do until that next opportunity presents itself? "Spamalot" has been a transformative experience for me in so many ways. It has been by far the most significant job I have had as an actor, the best paying, the highest profile.
I have grown and grown up on this tour---learning about our country, meeting people from all walks of life, pushing myself to explore unfamiliar territory both in my travels throughout North America and in my inner understanding of where I have come from and where I have arrived as a human being. I have overcome some long held fears--my fear of driving, of being completely on my own and responsible for my well being and my success; I've learned to trust myself more, to be able to create and coexist with other people without needing their approval or validation. I've started to discover what real freedom is--freedom to explore, to welcome abundance into my experience, to take chances, to be strong in my convictions and my determination to bring light and joy into the lives of others through the words I speak, the thoughts I think, and the work I create. From this extraordinary place of expansion, I found, as I sat on the breezy sands of Malibu and watched the sun set, that I don't have to know just now what my next chapter will be. I know that as long as I stay in a place of hopeful expectation and pure intention, the creative work, the financial freedom and the personal satisfaction will continue to permeate my life and take me to unthought-of new levels of experience and happiness. And the best part is, that I still have eight more weeks of going out on stage with this show and making people laugh and forget their troubles. What a gift that is.

My inner thoughts this week have also been taken up with really looking around me and sorting out how I feel about Los Angeles. It's impossible to do this, of course, without comparing the experience of being here with that of being in New York. The two places could not be more different.
The landscape of LA is all freeways, beaches, sun drenched neighborhoods full of brilliant flowers and foliage; the lifestyle is an easy one, in which people can pursue their own agendas and schedules without really bumping into anyone else (except of course, in the maddening maelstrom of the absurd traffic that one finds oneself in daily). The energy here is laid back, almost detached, but the consistently glorious weather seems to keep people on an even emotional keel. New York is a landscape of concrete and glass and steel, of soot and noise, constant movement, hustle and bustle. It is impossible not to be continually colliding with other people, as everyone pushes and scrambles to make something happen, get something done, be someone and accomplish something.
The high energy of that place can be exasperating, suffocating; but it can also be exhilarating, addictive. There's so much to see, so much to do, and the diversity of cultures and personalities of this great human experiment can make for a rich and stimulating existence. My feeling about both cities is that one needs to have a purpose in putting down even temporary roots in either place. These are cities where things are getting done, where people are trying to create exciting, lucrative careers and make something of themselves. As such, they are demanding environments, can be very expensive and can ask much of those who take on the challenges of life in the big city. I must say I am seduced by the fluidity of the LA lifestyle, the proximity to beaches and other natural environments of great beauty, all only a brief drive away; the knowledge that oodles of money are being made in the film and television industry for those lucky enough to break in, and the reassurance that when one wakes up each morning chances are it will be another sunny, beautiful day just like the last. New York has it's own siren call--the astonishing cultural life of the city, with art, fashion, theatre in abundance; the style of the place, the beauty of the architecture, the changes of season--crisp walks through Central Park ablaze with autumn foliage; bustling along crowded, snowy avenues in the last days before Christmas; children jumping about in the gushing streams from open fire hydrants on hot, muggy Manhattan summer afternoons. The fact that one can walk almost anywhere one needs to go, if one has the will and a good, sturdy pair of boots. Of course, both LA and New York are places best enjoyed, I suppose, by the wealthy. These cities, for those fortunate enough to have luxurious incomes, are very different places--places full of beautifully appointed homes, fabulous restaurants, shopping excursions--comforts that take the sting out of the freeway tangles or the dirty sidewalks teeming with life.

Have I drawn any conclusions? No, and I think that's okay. I interviewed with a casting director this week and she asked me where I saw my career going next. I told her I felt like I had unfinished business in New York, some long cherished goals to reach in my work as a stage actor. I told her I was excited to try my hand at film and television work; to see what my niche might be in the lucrative realm of commercials. My goal has always been to make a solid living as an actor and to do that I feel that I have to diversify my avenues of opportunity. But these many months of travel have also taught me that I can adapt to new places and new experiences. Whether the work and the joyful, abundant lifestyle I want to live keep me at home in Manhattan, bring me back to LA, or make it possible for me to jaunt back and forth cross country, I am open to what is best for me and for my creative future. When we allow ourselves to just relax and be open to all sorts of opportunities that will bring us the realization of our dreams, there is great comfort in knowing that we are limitless. Geography is just geography; each of us has our own unique path. The trick is to believe in your dreams and to stay open to the possibilities.